Because I've really had trouble placing my thoughts in written word for a month, published or unpublished. 

Anyways...

I’ve had a new car for less than 24 hours and somebody crashed into it when it was stopped.

Well, maybe "crashed into" is an overstatement, but I have to now pay for the repainting of part of the back bumper, or possibly the entire thing.

Surprisingly I admittedly don’t feel much about it.

The starkest difference in opinion between last year’s students and this year’s students about me is on the person I am. Last year’s students said I cared a lot and I was the nicest teacher ever. This year’s class claims I’m a good teacher but I’m about as cold and emotionless as a machine sometimes. Somebody once claimed that if they cut me open they’d find wires, bolts, a computer run on a toaster for a brain.

But if I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I would have actually felt bad about yelling at the kids whenever they didn’t practice or didn’t show up to rehearsal before the show.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I would have actually felt guilty when kids failed my tests this year.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose some of my coworkers would still bother me as much as they did last year.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I’d actually feel remorse when telling off certain people when they’re being unreasonable.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I’d feel mildly embarrassed about letting the car salesman know I thought he schemed me about 3 different times in the process of selling me the car.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I’d be more upset and I would have yelled more at the person who crashed into my car.

If I did care about everything....  would I be a better person or would it all be for the worse? 

I feel like I don't feel deep emotion about anything that much anymore. I question whether it's worth the trouble, although I think a part of me is afraid of becoming an old person devoid of any real emotions or care for anything around me.   

Sure, I’ve changed into a new person over the course of this year. One that lets go of a lot and doesn’t give a rat’s shit about a lot of things. It’s supposed to make me better and I get mad less, but in a way I’ve become a scary person to myself.

**

Although I will make one last note.

Of all the things I don’t feel anymore, I do still feel genuine losses.

Right now I actually just miss the car I won’t drive anymore, even though it was very obviously a relic of the 90s and wasn’t exactly the hottest thing on the road.

Right now I actually think, despite all the mental abuse this year’s class has taken from me, I will miss the kids I had this year for class when they graduate my classroom and become a stranger of the hallways in a few months.

Right now I actually think... I actually don’t know.

There goes again that train of thought I've been trying to construct and reconstruct all month long.  How to place it all in words. 

Now Playing: Pete Yorn -- Lose You

The song they played when Kutner died on House... I do like nearly every song they play at the end of the show, I really do.