"You're the strongest person I know." 

I’ve gotten that more than once before from different people, for different reasons, and more often recently than in the past.

Ever since I was little, I’ve played hardball with myself and refused help when given the chance to have it.

When I was three, while other little kids were clinging on to their mommies for dear life on the first day of pre-K, I was busy getting rid of my mother. My mom kept asking me if I would be ok, if I knew what to do before she came to pick me up later. I told her "yes, go home, I’ll be fine." In truth, it was probably more out of impatience than strength and I probably just don’t remember my mom reiterating things for the 50th time.

All through grade school, I opted to work by myself than with other people on projects. I still do, as I have the last few months.

I wonder what people actually see me as. Seemingly a psychotic fem-nazi? A workaholic who apparently does way too much overtime for free? Overconfident tomboy with the short hair? Somebody impossible to save because she can apparently save herself anyways?

**

Perhaps it’s because as a child, my dad always made me own up to the game.

As a child, I wondered if my dad was aware he had a little girl and not a little boy. He would take me to car dealers, Lechmere to look at camcorders, and had high hopes of convincing me to be a computer engineer. The closest I ever came to that was working at CIT and to this day I still have no idea how I got that job. There’s pictures of myself at more air shows and car shows than playing with stuffed animals and dolls.

I was daddy’s daughter, but tears were never really sympathized with. Instead, crying was for annoying loser girls who couldn’t take care of themselves, even when I was as young as three. We got along great... No, we really didn’t. My dad and I didn’t call it a draw until I was somewhere in my college years and he realized that I was just as loud and corrosive when arguing as he could be, when I wanted to be.

With that kind of upbringing, you learn to keep fighting until the dead end.

**

Sometimes I think to myself I shouldn’t be so "strong" on the outside -- I’ve never really been that much so on the inside, and it would be nice to be honest with myself for once here.

I could use some lifesaving now and then myself. I wish I could break down my barriers and let that on more often. I don’t know what keeps me from doing so. You can’t expect to be saved if you never let yourself be.

Now Playing: Anna Tsuchiya inspi’ NANA -- Kuroi Namida (Black Tears)

From my favorite anime NANA... Sometimes I could see myself as the main character (aside from the haircut of course)...  and right about now, I wouldn't mind being on that random train ride from the start of the story.