It’s been about a month since the show.

The kids and I have started to do some preparation for next year’s show. We have one dance already choreographed and ready to be taught to 5 others.

What I haven’t told them is the truth is I’m not sure I want to run this thing again.

While it was a great rush for a first time show, I can’t promise that I’ll ever top whatever we got this time, especially since these kids are most likely not capable of going farther than they already have. On top of that, I’ve been trying to book a date of 2010 without running into conflicts left and right and I’ve been getting nowhere. Not to mention the usual roadblocks of sports, other activities and just getting the kids to be allowed to come to rehearsal. All of that will inevitably happen again.

Don’t get me wrong. When I went into this profession I knew I’d be doing plenty more work than a lot of people in NY but probably getting paid less for it. I didn’t expect to get any sort of stipend raise this year for adding "show organizing" to the set of credentials. I also knew it was meaningful work which is work that you’d actually want to think about and feel good about after you leave the office.

My biggest problem with this was how much of my life it took over and for how long.

I didn’t realize how much of my soul I had sold to this effort until I went into the city this past weekend and took a quick trip into a Red Mango with friends. I tried to order pomegranate on my yogurt and I was told that I couldn’t. I asked if they discontinued it. The girl at the cashier looked confused. "It’s been going on for 4 months or so, the season’s over."

Later my friends and I tried to go ice skating. I suggested Bryant Park. I was told that it was already closed for the year as of last week.

I don’t remember any of these mysterious seasons even starting.

A while ago, I was talking to a stranger at a social function and realized that every last thing coming from my mouth had to do with work or the show. He actually asked me if I ever did anything outside of work. It wasn’t even out of sarcasm.

I had to take a moment to think about the answer to that question. That scares me.

With my 26th birthday closing in all too soon... It’s hit me more than once that my 20s are passing me by, locked away in the auditorium of this school building. It wasn’t even up to the point of the show being over. The fatigue lasted for weeks after, I got sick twice in the month following the show, and since then I’ve had to spend other weekends taking the kids to other events to perform at.

I think my parents have forgotten my true age at this point, because I’m still talking about school all the time and appearancewise I haven’t changed all that much since then. But logically speaking, I spend the majority of my time in that building. The people I interact with the majority of my time are between the ages of 14-18, with the exception of one parent who gave a hell of a lot of her time to helping out (although it probably gave her a good excuse to spend extra time with her daughter during school hours). The fine line between whether I’m still in high school and whether I’m in my mid-twenties has gotten blurred by the last couple months. No matter how you dice it, it’s not that normal, even for the nature of my job.

I could tell myself that these kids will learn to take care of themselves in another couple years, the way the parent helping me out did during the show. She says at that point I won’t have to take care of the show the way I had to this year and at that point I could probably rely on them to do what they have to do. I think she just told me that to make me feel better about the way the show was going at the time, because there’s very little that convinces me they’re capable of autonomy, even for something as simple as a food sale.

I once assumed the extra work from the show would be a simple form of escapism for me, but it has admittedly become more than just that. But I could keep going with this, or choose to start devoting more effort to moving on with my real life as a normal person in her 20s.

I don’t know yet. Chances are this is all just mental / physical burnout talking.  Time will tell.

But nonetheless, I am happy that I saw the project through until the end. I saw the 30 of the best blessings in my life shine that night.

Some yearnings make you wait longer than dreams. At least some will meet you halfway.

Now Playing: Fei Yu Qing -- Xiang Si Bi Meng Chang

"Ren sheng ru ping ju san wu chang / he xu chao chao mu mu pan wang / pa xiang si bi meng hai chang..." (Life is short like the act of a play / So why yearn from day to night / some yearnings will make you wait longer than for dreams to come true.")

This was a super old theme to a Chinese historical series I saw when I was 9.  I have to admit I've liked this song for a long time and it's on my Sleep playlist.  Listening to this song makes me feel old.