Forgive the ramblings....

Because I've really had trouble placing my thoughts in written word for a month, published or unpublished. 

Anyways...

I’ve had a new car for less than 24 hours and somebody crashed into it when it was stopped.

Well, maybe "crashed into" is an overstatement, but I have to now pay for the repainting of part of the back bumper, or possibly the entire thing.

Surprisingly I admittedly don’t feel much about it.

The starkest difference in opinion between last year’s students and this year’s students about me is on the person I am. Last year’s students said I cared a lot and I was the nicest teacher ever. This year’s class claims I’m a good teacher but I’m about as cold and emotionless as a machine sometimes. Somebody once claimed that if they cut me open they’d find wires, bolts, a computer run on a toaster for a brain.

But if I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I would have actually felt bad about yelling at the kids whenever they didn’t practice or didn’t show up to rehearsal before the show.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I would have actually felt guilty when kids failed my tests this year.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose some of my coworkers would still bother me as much as they did last year.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I’d actually feel remorse when telling off certain people when they’re being unreasonable.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I’d feel mildly embarrassed about letting the car salesman know I thought he schemed me about 3 different times in the process of selling me the car.

If I did care about everything as much as I should, I suppose I’d be more upset and I would have yelled more at the person who crashed into my car.

If I did care about everything....  would I be a better person or would it all be for the worse? 

I feel like I don't feel deep emotion about anything that much anymore. I question whether it's worth the trouble, although I think a part of me is afraid of becoming an old person devoid of any real emotions or care for anything around me.   

Sure, I’ve changed into a new person over the course of this year. One that lets go of a lot and doesn’t give a rat’s shit about a lot of things. It’s supposed to make me better and I get mad less, but in a way I’ve become a scary person to myself.

**

Although I will make one last note.

Of all the things I don’t feel anymore, I do still feel genuine losses.

Right now I actually just miss the car I won’t drive anymore, even though it was very obviously a relic of the 90s and wasn’t exactly the hottest thing on the road.

Right now I actually think, despite all the mental abuse this year’s class has taken from me, I will miss the kids I had this year for class when they graduate my classroom and become a stranger of the hallways in a few months.

Right now I actually think... I actually don’t know.

There goes again that train of thought I've been trying to construct and reconstruct all month long.  How to place it all in words. 

Now Playing: Pete Yorn -- Lose You

The song they played when Kutner died on House... I do like nearly every song they play at the end of the show, I really do.

Birthday wishes.

Mom: "What do you want for your birthday? Can I buy you something? I’ll get it and send it to you or you can have it for when you get back...

Me: ".... No... Because probably the top five things I want right now can’t be bought. Not without resorting to bribery at least, for some of them."

I cringe at the thought that the top of my wish list can no longer be fulfilled with a little candy, with a little nice outfit, with a little stuffed animal, even with a little nice Tiffany’s.

Who the hell have I become? Discontent bastard?

And that, my friends, is the true sign you’re getting too old for birthdays.

**

Because I know wish #1 is not something that could be realistically granted, it’s ok to post it.

#1 -- Given the chance to do things differently for many parts of my life, I would.   

Now keep guessing for 2-5.

Now Playing: Lenny Kravitz -- I’ll Be Waiting

"I realize there’s no end in sight..."

But what's really filling this void between the present and this end? 

可不可以不勇敢?

"You're the strongest person I know." 

I’ve gotten that more than once before from different people, for different reasons, and more often recently than in the past.

Ever since I was little, I’ve played hardball with myself and refused help when given the chance to have it.

When I was three, while other little kids were clinging on to their mommies for dear life on the first day of pre-K, I was busy getting rid of my mother. My mom kept asking me if I would be ok, if I knew what to do before she came to pick me up later. I told her "yes, go home, I’ll be fine." In truth, it was probably more out of impatience than strength and I probably just don’t remember my mom reiterating things for the 50th time.

All through grade school, I opted to work by myself than with other people on projects. I still do, as I have the last few months.

I wonder what people actually see me as. Seemingly a psychotic fem-nazi? A workaholic who apparently does way too much overtime for free? Overconfident tomboy with the short hair? Somebody impossible to save because she can apparently save herself anyways?

**

Perhaps it’s because as a child, my dad always made me own up to the game.

As a child, I wondered if my dad was aware he had a little girl and not a little boy. He would take me to car dealers, Lechmere to look at camcorders, and had high hopes of convincing me to be a computer engineer. The closest I ever came to that was working at CIT and to this day I still have no idea how I got that job. There’s pictures of myself at more air shows and car shows than playing with stuffed animals and dolls.

I was daddy’s daughter, but tears were never really sympathized with. Instead, crying was for annoying loser girls who couldn’t take care of themselves, even when I was as young as three. We got along great... No, we really didn’t. My dad and I didn’t call it a draw until I was somewhere in my college years and he realized that I was just as loud and corrosive when arguing as he could be, when I wanted to be.

With that kind of upbringing, you learn to keep fighting until the dead end.

**

Sometimes I think to myself I shouldn’t be so "strong" on the outside -- I’ve never really been that much so on the inside, and it would be nice to be honest with myself for once here.

I could use some lifesaving now and then myself. I wish I could break down my barriers and let that on more often. I don’t know what keeps me from doing so. You can’t expect to be saved if you never let yourself be.

Now Playing: Anna Tsuchiya inspi’ NANA -- Kuroi Namida (Black Tears)

From my favorite anime NANA... Sometimes I could see myself as the main character (aside from the haircut of course)...  and right about now, I wouldn't mind being on that random train ride from the start of the story.   

Crossroads.

It’s been about a month since the show.

The kids and I have started to do some preparation for next year’s show. We have one dance already choreographed and ready to be taught to 5 others.

What I haven’t told them is the truth is I’m not sure I want to run this thing again.

While it was a great rush for a first time show, I can’t promise that I’ll ever top whatever we got this time, especially since these kids are most likely not capable of going farther than they already have. On top of that, I’ve been trying to book a date of 2010 without running into conflicts left and right and I’ve been getting nowhere. Not to mention the usual roadblocks of sports, other activities and just getting the kids to be allowed to come to rehearsal. All of that will inevitably happen again.

Don’t get me wrong. When I went into this profession I knew I’d be doing plenty more work than a lot of people in NY but probably getting paid less for it. I didn’t expect to get any sort of stipend raise this year for adding "show organizing" to the set of credentials. I also knew it was meaningful work which is work that you’d actually want to think about and feel good about after you leave the office.

My biggest problem with this was how much of my life it took over and for how long.

I didn’t realize how much of my soul I had sold to this effort until I went into the city this past weekend and took a quick trip into a Red Mango with friends. I tried to order pomegranate on my yogurt and I was told that I couldn’t. I asked if they discontinued it. The girl at the cashier looked confused. "It’s been going on for 4 months or so, the season’s over."

Later my friends and I tried to go ice skating. I suggested Bryant Park. I was told that it was already closed for the year as of last week.

I don’t remember any of these mysterious seasons even starting.

A while ago, I was talking to a stranger at a social function and realized that every last thing coming from my mouth had to do with work or the show. He actually asked me if I ever did anything outside of work. It wasn’t even out of sarcasm.

I had to take a moment to think about the answer to that question. That scares me.

With my 26th birthday closing in all too soon... It’s hit me more than once that my 20s are passing me by, locked away in the auditorium of this school building. It wasn’t even up to the point of the show being over. The fatigue lasted for weeks after, I got sick twice in the month following the show, and since then I’ve had to spend other weekends taking the kids to other events to perform at.

I think my parents have forgotten my true age at this point, because I’m still talking about school all the time and appearancewise I haven’t changed all that much since then. But logically speaking, I spend the majority of my time in that building. The people I interact with the majority of my time are between the ages of 14-18, with the exception of one parent who gave a hell of a lot of her time to helping out (although it probably gave her a good excuse to spend extra time with her daughter during school hours). The fine line between whether I’m still in high school and whether I’m in my mid-twenties has gotten blurred by the last couple months. No matter how you dice it, it’s not that normal, even for the nature of my job.

I could tell myself that these kids will learn to take care of themselves in another couple years, the way the parent helping me out did during the show. She says at that point I won’t have to take care of the show the way I had to this year and at that point I could probably rely on them to do what they have to do. I think she just told me that to make me feel better about the way the show was going at the time, because there’s very little that convinces me they’re capable of autonomy, even for something as simple as a food sale.

I once assumed the extra work from the show would be a simple form of escapism for me, but it has admittedly become more than just that. But I could keep going with this, or choose to start devoting more effort to moving on with my real life as a normal person in her 20s.

I don’t know yet. Chances are this is all just mental / physical burnout talking.  Time will tell.

But nonetheless, I am happy that I saw the project through until the end. I saw the 30 of the best blessings in my life shine that night.

Some yearnings make you wait longer than dreams. At least some will meet you halfway.

Now Playing: Fei Yu Qing -- Xiang Si Bi Meng Chang

"Ren sheng ru ping ju san wu chang / he xu chao chao mu mu pan wang / pa xiang si bi meng hai chang..." (Life is short like the act of a play / So why yearn from day to night / some yearnings will make you wait longer than for dreams to come true.")

This was a super old theme to a Chinese historical series I saw when I was 9.  I have to admit I've liked this song for a long time and it's on my Sleep playlist.  Listening to this song makes me feel old.

The day faith in my job died.

Well, I guess we don’t have to make it sound that bad.

But it was the first time I’ve ever felt disgusted with something I had to do for my job here.

I was basically commanded to change the grade of a student from a F to a D because the parent wouldn’t stop complaining.

You would think we’re all above that sort of bullshit, wouldn’t we?

I always thought my boss and this school would be above it.

And while this is not the first time I’ve had to, as a teacher, manipulate grades to make the pill easier to swallow, I figure here at this place I’d be above it too.

The funny part is about two months ago the same scumbag parent called complaining that I’m too strict and demanding with her daughter and blah blah, that I need to be more nurturing and blah blah. Well, I loosened up on her daughter, played the nurturing card, and somehow that translated into the kid now assuming she’d pass by not doing half her homework for the second part of the quarter and handing in labs once in a blue moon.

So basically I was told that because I hadn’t informed the parent and she was "taken by surprise" (about how irresponsible her own kid is) I owe it to her to change her grade to a D.

The anal-retentive-moral side of me seethes at grade changing. 

I was also told to work on being more nurturing and loving, but of course, I wouldn’t know how to act like a mom yet because I have not yet become one. That comment might have registered as most obnoxious in the conversation, since that basically says that if I never become one, I’d never know. Not that every parent out there is all lovey dovey 24/7, I for one am a pushover compared to my own father throughout the majority of my childhood. Gee, I wonder where that dictator streak came from...

But fine. It’s not my grade anyways, what the hell am I getting worked up about. Why bring up the blood pressure for a losing battle anyways?  "Of course, that's not a problem." 

But at the same time, it bothers me. I feel like I'm coated in slime after having this conversation.  I admit I’m probably having a bad day and he caught me in a crappy mood with poor wording since I know he means well most of the time, but very few things about teaching bother me more than grade manipulating.  Call me crazy, but I guess it's the overly moral side of me speaking too loud. 

Well, I failed about 4 people this quarter with averages between 60-65. I decided I would pass another with a 64 and changed his to a D. I figure it Little Miss 62 deserves a D, Mr. 64 who at least tried all quarter long deserves his D.

Maybe one of the reasons I’ve ceased to care about my job, and I’ve said that before, is because out of the three bio teachers, I’d probably be first in line for the axe if the budget goes down. Out of the other two, one gets her way all the time anyways, while the other’s there because my boss is friends with her uncle. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been here until 11 or 12 at night putting together this school’s first culture show, or that I’ve held the brunt of the most ESL kids in my classes (more than half of which are Asian students that got dropped with me at various points of the year because "they’d feel comfortable with me," based on whose allegation, I don’t know). It’s not as if anybody in the entire department (except the new hire, who’s quickly become my best friend at work) actually came to see the show, not even to help out, but to at least lend support. Truth be told, we don’t actually matter to one another that much.

I can only wish I could have walked away from that meeting with nothing but a middle finger in the air. And I wouldn’t care either who got hurt from that. Just like I don’t care who gets hurt in a lot of things these days.

Now Playing: Amos Lee -- Colors

From the House MD soundtrack. I've had a kid tell me that I am House. I’ve got the random piano playing streak down, among other creepy parallels. I wish I had that piano on random off days like this.

"Yesterday I got lost in the circus / Feeling like such a mess / Colors seem to fade

Your mama called, she said / That you're downstairs crying

Feeling like such a mess / Ya, I hear ya

In the background bawling / What happened to your sweet summer time dress

I know we all / We all got our faults

We get locked in our vaults / And we stay..."